


Admit Your Sinful Self

by Limitless (daemun)



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Behind the Scenes, Canon Compliant, Canon Dialogue, Character Study, Death Note Spoilers, Irony, L thinks Light is the devil and hes absolutely right: the fic, Light thinks L is beautiful when hes not: the fic, M/M, Metaphors, Minor L/Yagami Light, POV L (Death Note), POV Yagami Light, Two Shot, Yagami Light is Kira
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29667405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daemun/pseuds/Limitless
Summary: "Beautiful" was not a word Light would use to describe L. Yet as he stood in the rain, it was the only word Light could think of.
Relationships: L & Yagami Light, L/Yagami Light
Comments: 9
Kudos: 58





	1. L

**Author's Note:**

> ah. hello. this is my first time writing for this fandom. just your typical fic of that rain scene from ep. 25. i dont write often so i hope this is acceptable. :)
> 
> this whole fic came from an absurd joke with myself. no i will not say what it is.
> 
> the dialogue comes straight from the episode. largely canon compliant, light's just having a crisis inside.

“Beautiful” was not a word Light would use to describe L.

Nothing about the eccentric man could - _should_ \- be described as “beautiful,” from his scrawny hunched over posture and wide sunken eyes to his odd behaviors and rather disgusting habits. He was a man anyone would find unsettling, unnatural. Creepy, even. Light personally found him to be irritating beyond belief. In fact, the man infuriated him most of the time, finding new ways to constantly dig under his skin, rip away at his nerves and bring out the worst qualities of Light that he’d spent years struggling to suppress in a matter of seconds. He was the complete opposite of the word “beautiful.” And yet, as he stood out an unmoving statue oblivious to the swirling storm around him, that was the only word Light could think of to describe him.

 _Beautiful._

It echoed like a mantra in his head. Endlessly repeating ad nauseam. He was utterly captivated by L, unable to tear his eyes away from the man standing before him.

 _Why can’t I look away? Why does he look so beautiful like this? There’s nothing …_ nothing _that is beautiful about him._

L seemed to finally notice Light’s presence after a few moments of the latter appearing on the rooftop. Slowly he turned his head towards Light, staring at him with those soulless eyes devoid of life, rimmed with unattractive black shadows. His normally thick unruly hair was plastered to his forehead, matted down heavily by the rain. Rain that made his clothes stick to his skin, accentuating everything that shouldn’t be considered alluring: a spine that jutted out unnaturally, hip bones sharp enough to cut, individual ribs able to be counted. He was painfully thin, ironic to his diet of sugary sweets and an indicator of his malnutrition. Any person would take one look at him and scrunch up their nose and avert their gaze from such a distasteful sight. Light should have, too, but all he could do was stare dumbfoundedly like a lovestruck teenager.

He blinked once, snapping himself out of his stupor and straightened his posture.

“What are you doing standing out there all by yourself?”

His voice was too quiet, Light could barely even hear himself over the downpour. It was no wonder L cupped his hand over his ear and tilted his head, silently asking for Light to repeat himself.

“What are you doing standing out there by yourself?”

He was much louder this time, surely L heard him.

Confusion flickered across L’s thin face for a split second before a mischievous smile split across his features. He did.

 _He wants me to get soaked in the rain with him,_ Light realized, blinking again. _He’s messing with me._ A part of him wanted to be irritated by that notion, a spark igniting somewhere in his veins, a grunt escaping him. But another part of him wanted to be closer to L, to see this striking artwork up closer.

Light would deny any allegation that he was _attracted_ to L. He hardly held any kind of feeling for him, let alone romantic. At this moment in time however, there was just something utterly captivating about the older man, something that snatched his attention. It was something he couldn’t name, yet felt so _close_ to. It was on the tip of his tongue, barely out of reach.

Stepping out into the rain, he was immediately soaked to the bone. Cold sunk its claws deep into him, shivers threatening to rack his body. He’d brought his hand up to shield his eyes as he made his way over to L, but that quickly proved to be pointless as he still had to rapidly blink droplets away. Still, he kept his hand up regardless, as if to shield himself from the sheer beauty of the man. He was practically glowing, pale skin whiter than ever.

Being closer to L, the word "beautiful" really had no reason to replay endlessly in his head. L looked more like a walking corpse than ever. There was no way the man was really alive, he couldn’t be. Corpses shouldn’t be _beautiful._

His traitorous mind whispered it otherwise.

“What are you doing, Ryuzaki?” Light repeated himself a third time, genuine exasperation leaking in his voice.

“Oh, I’m not doing anything in particular, it’s just-” L responded immediately- already anticipating the question - then paused, tilting his head up slightly to gaze at the sky. How unbothered he was by the rain, not even shivering from the brutal chill it brought. He barely even blinked as the droplets assaulted his owl eyes and streamed down his pallid face, caressing his sunken cheeks and dripping off his knifelike jawline. “I hear the bell,” he finished, his voice so soft Light barely heard him over the sound of the rain.

“The bell?” _What could he possibly be talking about?_

And then L looked at him.

Light’s heart picked up its pace.

_Beautiful._

All too quickly, he looked away again, averting his eyes towards the sky once more, the sky as dark as his lifeless eyes.

“Yes. The sound of the bell’s been unusually loud today.”

_Always so cryptic with him._

_Can’t he ever be straightforward?_

_Bells. What bells?_

_He’s so infuriating._

L glanced at him again, black face subtly twisted with melancholy.

_Why does the rain make him look so…_

Light looked around himself, as if searching for the source of these “bells” L kept spewing on about. If he could hear bells ringing over the downpour, surely Light could too. But as he suspected, there was nothing. “I don’t hear anything.”

“Really. You can’t hear it?” Despite it being a question, L’s tone made it sound like a statement. “It’s been ringing nonstop all day. I find it very distracting. I wonder if it’s a church, maybe a wedding. Or perhaps a-” L stopped.

 _A funeral,_ Light internally finished for him.

For a split second Light didn’t _want_ to have to kill L. He wanted to admire him infinitely, to capture his artistry in this moment forever. But he knew he had to. His purpose in this world, his ultimate goal was _needed._ He absolutely _couldn’t_ let anything get between that. Especially not L, no matter how magnificent he looked right now. He steeled himself, allowing kerosene to course through his veins.

“What are you getting at, Ryuzaki?” he snapped, his words a lit match. “Come on, cut it out. Let’s get back inside.”

A strange sadness laced L’s voice as he looked away from Light, muttering, “I’m sorry. Nothing I say makes any sense anyway. If I were you, I wouldn’t believe any of it.”

Light felt his jaw drop slightly open, resolve crumbling underneath his fingertips. The flames flickering within were smothered instantly, just like that. _Beautiful. How could someone who knows they’re going to die be so beautiful? He looks like…_

Heaving a sigh, Light closed his eyes and played along into the character he sculpted for the world. “You know, you’re totally right,” he forced the venom into his voice. “Honestly most of the things you say sound like complete nonsense. There would be no end to my troubles if I actually took you seriously all the time. I probably know that better than anyone.”

“Yes, I would say that’s a fair assessment” L agreed. “But I could say the same about you.”

That actually caught the younger adult off guard.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He couldn't hide his alarm.

L faced him once more, all traces of melancholy gone from his face. There was nothing, no hint of any emotion, which made his next sentence a cold knife plunging into his chest. “Tell me, Light: from the moment you were born, has there ever been a point where you’ve actually told the truth?”

Light was deaf; L’s words silenced the world.

His dark eyes bore into his burning soul, scrutinizing. Knowing. Judging.

Never before had Light felt so exposed. He couldn't move, ensnared in the invisible trap L set out in front of him that he so blindly stepped in. It took every bit of effort to keep his face devoid of emotion, to not reveal the sudden and smoldering rage that exploded inside him. This man, this - _creep_ \- saw through him, right from the very beginning. Light had always known L knew, yet these words tore something inside him and revealed something that Light dared not admit to even himself. Something about it sent the most foreign feeling coursing through him alongside the rage, nausea bubbling deep within his gut: panic.

Light was supposed to be the god of the new world, yet L was judging _him._

It suddenly clicked.

_An angel. Out in the rain, he looks like an angel._

_Is he one?_

“Where’s this coming from, Ryuzaki?” Even now with his soul bared to the other, he couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth, to admit his sins. To the bitter end, he would play this game with him. “I do admit I stretch the truth here and there. However, find me one person in this world who’s never had to tell a lie. It wouldn’t be easy; human beings just aren’t made to be perfect like that. Even so, I’ve always made a conscious effort not to tell a lie that could hurt others. That’s my answer.”

A perfectly crafted answer haphazardly thrown together in a last second effort to escape the divine judgment coming from the _angel_ standing just a couple meters away.

Disappointment flashed in the detective’s eyes, like he’d hoped for a different answer. He fixed his unblinking owl eyes on the ground beneath him, the smallest of paradoxical smiles on his face as he said, “I had a feeling you’d say something like that.” He paused. “Let’s go back inside. We’re both drenched.”

“Yeah.”

Casting one last look at L before following him inside, the word crossed his mind again:

_Beautiful..._


	2. Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a spurt of motivation and decided id write another part to whatever this is. pretty much the same thing, this time from L's perspective. :)
> 
> i did go back and fix some of the grammatical errors in chapter one and add very minor things. nothing too big, just things that bothered me after finally rereading it and going "damn wtf was i thinking." at least i did proofread this chapter.
> 
> i hope you enjoy, thanks for the support. <3

_Incredible,_ L thought over the cacophony of bells in his head, _how one who looks so marvelous on the outside is truly vehement on the inside._

Light Yagami was truly striking to look at. Not a single blemish marred his perfectly smooth skin, nor a stray strand stuck out from his meticulously combed hair. A flawlessly sculpted face with symmetrical features and a tall, slim body were truly a work of God’s. Not that L necessarily believed in God or the existence of a higher being, but it was just a metaphor after all.

Based on appearances alone, Light looked beautiful. Anyone would agree, even L himself would. _Would._

If only that beauty extended inwards.

Light Yagami was the devil, the most heinous creature L had ever laid eyes upon.

From across the rooftop, their eyes met - a crimson inferno blazing against dead ashes. 

For a brief time, those eyes had glowed a soft amber, warm flames teeming with purpose and innocence. Innocence that L _could_ have believed, maybe even wanted to. The young man had a brilliant mind when not tarnished and blackened by the pure _malice_ that lurked within, snaking through his whole being and dripping off the words he spoke. Under different circumstances, if Light wasn’t Kira, perhaps L would have liked to further work with him. He never encountered anyone else who could match his intelligence and wits. It was truly an exciting experience.

But Light - no, _Kira_ \- was a devil with a horrendous god complex who masterfully evaded L’s attacks to prove him guilty. The Light standing a few meters away was not the same one L had become acquainted with over the past few months, the one who seemed truly at his element and thriving. That Light was dead. Or perhaps, that Light had never existed until recently. 

The Light with him now definitely _was_ Kira and the sudden change in personality cemented that fact. If only that was enough evidence to officially convict him.

It no longer mattered. L could feel a deep stirring within his gut, a strong sense of dread and foreboding he was unfamiliar with. The bells steadily grew more vociferous.

L could see Light’s lips moving but his voice failed to reach L’s ears. He had an inkling of what the other said but raised his hand to cup his ear to hear him better over the chaos in his head. This time Light’s voice made its way to him, condescending as he asked L what he was doing.

If Light came all the way up here to find him, he might as well join him in the rain, L thought. _The devil can stand to get wet for a few minutes, can’t he?_

Feigning confusion, L was unable to fight against the grin that tore his face as he leaned forward, silently asking the other to come closer. 

Light looked taken aback, but complied. Even when soaked to the bone, he looked downright handsome, auburn hair drenched and dripping endlessly and rain caressing his shapely features. It disgusted L, for all he truly saw was a horrendous demon with horns that pierced the heavens, eyes dripping with blood, and inky black wings that dragged on the ground behind him.

Cruel reddish-brown eyes flashed with irritation as he stopped a fair distance away from the detective and he repeated his earlier question a third time.

L told him he wasn’t really doing anything in particular, which wasn’t too far from the truth, then tore his gaze away from the distasteful human to stare briefly at the sky. Ignoring the way the rain pelted his eyes, he finally admitted to hearing the bell that rang endlessly ever since Light’s personality reverted back to the cold, calculating one he crafted before his confinement.

“The bell?” Light sounded genuinely confused.

L glanced at him but had to look away as soon as he did, unable to maintain eye contact with the devil. “Yes. The sound of the bell’s been unusually loud today.”

Today. 

L knew what the bell meant - he was the three smartest detectives in the world, after all - and even an idiot like Matsuda should be able to guess what it meant as well.

L’s own death wasn’t something that particularly bothered him. However, the circumstances it was under brought a strange poignancy, an odd feeling of melancholy. Being killed by a devil he once called a friend. His first friend. Even if calling him that was simply to get closer in order to expose the mass murderer, it still boiled uneasily in his stomach.

The detective glanced at Light once more, watching as the younger man looked around himself, searching for the bells he wouldn’t be able to hear. After all, death wasn’t looming over _his_ shoulders.

Light’s narrowed crimson eyes landed on L. “I don’t hear anything.”

 _Of course not,_ L thought. Even so, L muttered, “Really. You can’t hear it?” like he was surprised. Light didn’t seem to be buying into it, but he continued the charade. “It’s been ringing nonstop all day. I find it very distracting. I wonder if it’s a church, maybe a wedding. Or perhaps a-”

 _Funeral_ was left unspoken, but Light was smart enough to fill in the blank.

A myriad of emotion blazed through Light’s fiery eyes. Acrimony, disorientation, _remorse._ It all happened in a fraction of a second that L wasn’t entirely sure if what he saw actually happened or if he imagined it before Light’s face was back to its usual scowl and he snapped at L to cut it out.

He couldn’t keep looking at the abhorrent monster for longer than a few seconds. His gaze drifted to the side as he muttered an apology to the younger man, unable to completely prevent emotion from trickling into his voice. “Nothing I say makes any sense anyways. If I were you, I wouldn’t believe any of it.”

Light agreed, sneering, “There would be no end to my troubles if I actually took you seriously all the time. I probably know that better than anyone.”

Ever the narcissist, Light was unable to go two seconds without somehow praising himself. But L wasn’t about to say that observation out loud. Instead, he mumbled an agreement. After all, it was partially true. Light _had_ spent a long while chained to L for days on end after all. Yet there was something that nagged at L, something he needed to address and gauge Light’s reaction on. “Yes. I would say that’s a fair assessment. But I could say the same about you.”

Alarm flashed in those hellish eyes. “What’s _that_ supposed to mean?” Light all but snarled, curled fangs bared.

_Light Yagami, you truly are a devil. With the weight of your sins, you could never be the god you strive to be._

L allowed his face to fall blank as he stared the beast down, the beast he once called a friend. “Tell me, Light: from the moment you were born, has there ever been a point where you’ve actually told the truth?”

The bell had never rang louder in L’s ears than it did after those words left his mouth. The noise drowned out all other sounds in its cacophony. L was deafened by it.

The seconds ticked by, punctuated with the bell’s ring. Light’s silence answered for him, if the sudden swirling panic in his eyes didn’t. L knew this horrific truth, yet a part of him wished Light would answer honestly. But Light wasn’t standing out here in the rain with him; Kira was.

For as long as L had known Light, Light had never taken so long to respond. The younger man always had an automatic response to everything, quick to speak his thoughts. This was the first time he had been truly caught off guard. The beast was caught in his trap, but it no longer mattered.

Light spewed out nonsense about how everyone lies from time to time and that he tries to avoid telling lies that could hurt others, yet it was a lie in itself. A weak attempt to dodge L’s question.

It was disappointing.

A sad smile crept its way onto L’s face. Even knowing, some small part of him feebly hoped for a different answer - for the truth. Perhaps in some twisted way, he missed the Light he called a friend. That Light, at least, was capable of being honest. It wasn’t the real truth, but that Light genuinely believed he wasn’t Kira and technically was being honest. This Light, the real Light, Kira, the devil, was not.

“I had a feeling you’d say something like that. Let’s go back inside. We’re both drenched.”

If the hideous demon said anything in response, the bell overpowered his voice.


End file.
